Fixing the “Fix Myself” Syndrome: A Prevalent Attitude
Image credit: Harsha KR
One of the early and most stubborn pieces of me I’ve struggled with as I’ve journeyed along the path of deliberate self-awareness is this; it was truly understanding that it was the limiting aspects of my personality which was holding me within a framework of fixing something wrong rather than held within the framework of self-compassion and a expansive attitude of benign curiosity about what this limitation could reveal that would make life…happier, easier, more fulfilling, more relaxed…you get the idea. Trying to make myself better was actually the cornerstone of the problem, because it was based on seeing myself as flawed or broken. The lens through which I was viewing myself was rooted in the belief that I was not good enough as I was, so what I amplified with all of those ‘fixy’ things merely led credence to the idea that I was ultimately broken. What I needed to ‘fix’ was my perception that I needed to be fixed. Healing and transformation can only take place when we decide to surrender up that belief and to let go of the idea that thinking along those lines would actually help us out of the negative self image spiral or protect us from the emotions that particular attitude engenders.
Now I’d like to re-frame some of the thoughts and some of the questions that often come up when we’re trying to make improvements in how we feel and how we live our lives. I'd like to flip it so it's not about fixing ourselves but instead about using those uncomfortable revelations about ourselves as a way to choose new beliefs and behaviors that make us glad to be fully present and alive, and able to make choices based on being authentically us instead of living from a masked version that is put on to avoid guilt, shame and judgment.
Words are important. They carry frequencies that our systems respond to, even when we’re not sensorially aware of them. Think of words as tuning forks that will resonate with energy of the same frequency if it still resides in our energy fields (including our bodies). Have you ever noticed how one single word can call up a memory that has a feeling quality to it? Just thinking the word ‘cotton candy’ and I’m 6 years old at the fairgrounds at dusk, with my mother holding my hand. It’s sticky and I can’t stand the feeling, and that it will be like that until I get home. HOW will I enjoy the evening? It puts me in a bad mood. Then suddenly I’m at the indoor Kiwanis club fair, still really little and some guy grabs a hunk of my cotton candy as he walks by and I’m SO upset! He grabbed at least half of my candy! It’s not fair!!! Look at that! One word and I land on one upsetting memory and it cascades into another. Frustration, anger, victim… How powerful are words? But likewise, when I remember my Uncle Walter I’m flooded with memory upon memory infused with love and joy. What’s happening to my system as those thoughts run through my mind? Energy will turn on and off different hormonal secretions, affecting our ‘chemical soup’ for better or worse. It will fire and entrench neural patterns in the brain based on the cascade of thoughts that get triggered by those words. They will strengthen or weaken our energetic boundaries and systems, upon which our psychological and biological structures are built. Likewise, it will affect those who are listening to us or who are at the receiving end of our words. Words are important, what you say to yourself and others, what you think. It all matters. It’s all energy and energy runs EVERYTHING we think of as solid.
The good news is that words are powerful. Why? Because it means that you can deliberately use words, take advantage of their power, to begin shifts in your perspective and in your energy field. Check out the blog post on words for more information, but for now this is a good practical start. To begin with, let’s re-frame some ideas around the ideas and acts of change and the words around that.
In any question about yourself, first presuppose that whoever you are now is exactly the right ‘you’ you're supposed to be and that every movement from here on in is only about expanding into a world where you feel freer, more self-accepting and that you’re willing to see the world reflect that reality back to you. You’re not fixing, you’re growing.
Presuppose that if you feel guilty or shameful, chances are it’s an old wound that’s coming up and isn’t the truth of who you are. Unless it relates to an even for which you wish to make amends and are able to so, acknowledge sincere regret to yourself and then let it go. If it’s free floating non-specific shame and guilt, choose to see and name it as an misunderstanding of your true nature. If you can’t acknowledge your innate innocence at least remove those ‘shame-y’ words from your dictionary.
Choose to resist calling yourself names and when you do self-shame or speak harsh words of condemnation or punishment to yourself, decide to stop and offer yourself a loving kind word instead . Do change the word and do it in the moment of catching yourself self-bashing.
Look out for those ‘fixy’ words and the critical thoughts you have, what you tell yourself internally about what you’re doing wrong on the journey of self discovery - or blaming yourself for what you did in the past. When you notice those words, be grateful because they’re the indicators of where you can shine more love on them. Flag them to address later and decide then if it’s work that needs to be done or if it’s just a rabbit hole of obsessive thinking. Being grateful for the word changes your relationship to it and helps change the energetic effect it has on you.
No matter what you think you’ve done wrong, or no matter how worthless you’re feeling, decide that being kind to yourself isn’t being selfish and won’t bring out the worst in you. Remember when you’ve felt good about yourself and how much nicer you’ve been to other people. Be kind and nice to yourself first as a way to spread good feelings out into the world. Being self-loving is a generous thing to do. I’m more loving to myself, and so I’m automatically nicer to others.
I’ve seen, time and again, that progress in positive personal evolution happens when we begin with loving who we are - or at least neutrally accepting whatever it is we wish to change and as an opportunity to grow, and not to fix. Give yourself permission to be kind to yourself as if you were someone you really cared about. Speak in a sweet tone, a kind tone and use gentle words.
Be proactive with nice words. Congratulate yourself, out loud. Tell yourself that you look good, out loud. Tell yourself what a nice home you’ve created, or how patient your were, what great eyebrows you have, or proud you are for how well you took care of your needs instead of caving into those old ‘care take-y’ behaviors.
Take any opportunity to say the good things to yourself that you’d like to hear from other people, or you’d have like to hear from others when you were young.
Stop using any word that diminishes or disempower you and instead, start using words to build yourself up. Once you get the hang of it, it feels really good and actually makes it easier to look at the more challenging aspects of our personalities without flinching.